Hispanic Fanatic

I’ve written hundreds of blog posts — enough words to fill one huge book or two medium-sized ones.

So I figured, why not go ahead and write a novel while I’m at it? And I’d make it a real one, with a plot and characters and themes and stuff like that. Wouldn’t that be great?

Yes, it would. So I’m happy to announce that my debut novel, Barrio Imbroglio, is now available on Amazon.

What’s it about? Well, here is the official synopsis:

“Abraxas Hernandez never wanted to be a detective. But when his cousin is murdered, Abraxas is dragged into a frenzied investigation that takes him from the mean streets to the corridors of power in City Hall to a tequila-fueled pool party that turns deadly.”

The novel is a black comedy / mystery, and it builds off my writings about Latino culture. Oh, and the story is full of violence, vulgarity, homicide, and stray jokes about Immanuel Kant.

So please grab a copy (just $3.99) and let me know what you think of it.

Thanks in advance.

We don’t do may plugs here at Hispanic Fanatic world headquarters. But this weekend is the third annual Grand Marian Procession, Mass, and Fiesta honoring Our Lady of the Angels (Nuestra Señora de Los Àngeles). The parade takes place on September 14 in the heart of Los Angeles.

The sponsoring organization is doing pro-bono work to raise awareness for Latinos and to help Hispanics take pride in their roots.

Well, that all sounds pretty good. So if you’d like to attend, check out this. 

I have been remiss in pointing out some changes to this website that have gone down in the last couple of weeks. You may have noticed that there’s a lot more info being splayed about here lately.

Just look to the right-hand column.

Yes, I am now streaming third-party content from a company founded, in part, by Hispanic thespian John Leguizamo. So after you finish reading my rants, feel free to click on the myriad topics that Leguizamo, et al, believe Latinos — and those who love them — will find of interest.

By the way, wasn’t Leguizamo freakily awesome in Spawn?

Yes, yes he was.

It’s the end of the year, and according to blogger tradition, I am supposed to list the top ten greatest Latino moments or the top five worst Hispanic travesties or the top sixteen weirdo stories involving Latinos.

But honestly, who has the time to accumulate all that data?

So instead I’m posting the trailer for Mama, a new movie from Guillermo del Toro, the creator of the amazing Pan’s Labyrinth. The trailer is bilingual (sort of), and as I’ve stated many times, if there is one thing that Hispanics love (other than Jan Brewer, of course), it’s horror movies.

The film opens in January and looks like an appropriately creepy way to start the new year.

OK, so my Mayan ancestors pulled a fast one.

But for if you’re disappointed that the world didn’t end today, keep this in mind: In just five billion years, the sun will deplete its energy, and the Earth will become a barren husk devoid of all life.

So you’ve got that to look forward to.

In the meantime, let me just say Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and all that good stuff.

I’m throwing another quick weekend update at you. Perhaps you’ve heard the story of Cain’s Arcade. In sum, a nine-year-old boy here in Los Angeles (specifically, in the Latino-heavy neighborhood of East LA) had a dream.

I won’t spoil it by revealing all the details. But check out the short film here to see what one kid with a lot of energy and creativity can pull off.

So this is a first. I’ve co-written a post.

Up to this point, every article under my name has been created, written, rewritten, agonized over, and ultimately put online via the Fanatic and no one else.

However, I had the opportunity to collaborate with the very talented Louis Pagan, and I didn’t want to pass it up. The result of our efforts can be found on the Huffington Post. Please click here to see the article.

And another thing: I realized that I never linked to my new profile on Being Latino magazine. So you can check that out as well by clicking here.

In any case, this collaboration thing is pretty cool. With hope, I’ll be working more with Louis and/or other writers soon.

Of course, that destroys my whole sullen-loner vibe, but we all have to make sacrifices.

So my old friends at the Huffington Post have started a new section — one that I will probably be contributing to on a regular basis.

It’s called LatinoVoices, and it debuted today. My first article for it can be found here.

When I started this website, just a few years ago, it seemed that the only outlets for writing about Hispanic culture were my blog, the sites of a few other Latino writers, and stray manifestos that angry Latinos would hurl onto your lawn.

But now we have our own section and everything. Latino voices are indeed getting louder every day.

So go ahead and check out HuffPo’s new section. And be sure to comment early and often.

A couple of years ago, I had to a take a brief hiatus from the blog because I was recovering from eye surgery.

After my eye healed up, I foolishly thought that I would not have to worry about my vision until I was well into a bitter, memory-addled old age where everything on the body starts to go and I begin ranting about how kids today are disrespectful brats who don’t wear any damn clothes.

But that was before I found out that eye surgery weakens those orbs floating in your head. As such, your odds of suffering something as random and bizarre as say, a retinal detachment, greatly increase.

And so when I started seeing floaters and bright blue flashes, I figured that it was not God passing along visions and premonitions to me. It was indeed my retina detaching.

My surgeon says that I caught it in the nick of time. Apparently, I was about two days away from going permanently blind in one eye. If I were a traditional Latino guy who never went to the doctor, that would have happened.

But I seem to have gotten it fixed. It’s too soon to tell, but the prognosis is good.

In any case, my retinal detachment is the reason why the posts may become more irregular over the next few weeks. I’m hoping to maintain a regular schedule, but I can’t promise.

At the very least, my misbegotten retina has prevented me from attending local Latino happenings. For example, I was going to write a truly witty and insightful piece about the National Pork Board’s recent contest, where several Latino chefs got together to dazzle epicureans by showing off everything they can do with pig.

I was invited to cover this event, but I declined because I had a checkup scheduled. My doctor wanted to see how the retina was healing up, and we spent time reminiscing about how he stuck needles into my eye — good times.

So all I can tell you is that the post covering the contest would have been full of insights about the importance of food in Hispanic culture, and loaded with funny and/or poignant quotes from the winner, and layered with Seinfeldian jokes about how much Hispanics love pork. Oh, and there was going to be this truly amazing metaphor that would have singlehandedly gotten me shortlisted for the Pulitzer. Trust me, it was gong to be spectacular.

Instead, I missed it, and I’m stuck squinting at the computer.

Damn my eye.

Recently, I attended the Hispanicize business conference, where I networked with smart people, snagged some free food, and hung out (however briefly) with Edward James Olmos.

I realize, however, that my post about the conference may not have given you the full flavor of the event. In the interest of rectifying that situation (and because it makes for a pretty easy post to write), here are some of the more interesting tidbits, observations, and general oddities that I heard at the conference.

There are ten of them, but there could easily be more.

“Telenovelas are a cultural touchstone for us. I’m sorry, but it’s true.”

“On the Census form, there shouldn’t be a box to check for race. There should be a color wheel, and it goes from cotton to cinnamon to black, and everything in between. And you just mark your skin color.”

“When we polled people about the top characteristic of Latino culture, ‘emphasis on family’ was number one. Nothing else was even close.”

“I tell my clients who are immigrants, ‘You’re in America now. If somebody rips you off, you say those magic American words: ‘I’m calling lawyers on your ass.’ That’s when they know they’re assimilated.”

“Whether it’s English or Spanish, language is just a tactic. It’s a means to identify a group, but it’s not an identity in and of itself.”

“Univision is now ranked among the top four networks. Isn’t that wild? I think it’s ahead of ABC.”

“Too many Latina moms approach the public schools as if they were holy temples, and they give in to whatever the principal or the teacher says. So no fresh ideas ever get exchanged.”

“That sign is supposed to read Mami Bloggers. Not Miami Bloggers. Damn.”

“Acculturation originally meant a reciprocal process, with cultures influencing each other. But now it just means ‘Give up your culture when you get here.’ It’s become a one-way street.”

“Dude, I say, ‘Let the people just be the people.’ Entiendes?”