Hispanic Fanatic

As we enter our third month here at the Hispanic Fanatic, it’s clear that we need to get one thing out of the way:

No, I will not teach you how to curse in Spanish.

As we all know, the first thing anyone ever asks to learn in a foreign language is how to insult a total stranger’s parentage in as disgusting a manner as possible. Blasphemy is also hugely popular.

Why is this? Are we looking for some common bond across culture, and the need to offend is prevalent around the world? Or is this just human nature to gravitate toward the basest level of communication? Or is it just more fun to shout, “hijo de puta!” than it is to murmur “como se llama”?

In any case, Spanish is not any more vulgar than English, and the context of the insults are pretty much the same.

If you really want to let someone have it, you have to go with Arabic. Most languages stop at “Fuck you” or perhaps “Fuck your mother.” But an Arab friend once taught me an insult that basically translated to “May you be anally raped by a thousand lunatics and your severed corpse flung into the gutter to be devoured by a hundred rabid hyenas.” Sadly, I have since forgotten how to pronounce this extremely handy phrase. However, with sentiments like that floating around the Middle East, I have a better understanding of why they are so damn tense there.

But again, what taboo are we seeking to transcend when we learn how to say “shit” in a foreign language? Why is it the first thing we ask, instead of “Where’s a restaurant?” or “Can you break a twenty?” or something we might actually use?

Of course, even bringing up this subject is bound to offend some people. To those individuals, I can only offer my earnest apologies and humble expressions of remorse.

And let me just add, in the true spirit of sincerity, that you should go chinga tu madre.

Yes, after holding out far too long, I’ve gone ahead and changed the template for this blog. You’ll find that this new style is snappier, snazzier, maybe even sexier. And there are other alliterative phrases I could throw around to indicate that this one looks better.

More important, it’s user-friendly. For example, it’s now easier to post a reply to me. Just click on the “Comment” link, directly under the title of the post.

As always, however, I am not just a pretty face (although this new template just winks at you, doesn’t it?). I am concerned with matters of substance. And that brings us to today’s issue.

You’re well aware that there is a fierce argument, an unbridled debate, separating two opposing factions that express such bitter disdain for one another that the conflict between Yankees and Red Sox fans looks like a little girl’s tea party in comparison.

Of course, I’m talking about the grammatical fight over whether it is “an Hispanic” or “a Hispanic.”

“It’s clearly ‘an Hispanic,’ you fool,” one language-obsessed maniac will insist. “In the same way that we say, ‘an historic.’ It’s obvious to all but a blind Visigoth.”

“Your stupidity is surpassed only by your stubbornness,” the other grammarphile will shout. “We don’t say, ‘an hill.’ That’s clear to everyone but a mentally retarded chimpanzee.”

“Hey,” comes the rejoinder. “Your mother.”

I certainly don’t want to get between these two, who are ready to settle this with a knife fight at dawn. But I’m forced to take a stand. I am the Fanatic, after all. So after careful consideration of the linguistic, political, and aesthetic considerations, I’ve come to a conclusion.

Let’s all just say, “a Latino.”