As you know, our most philanthropic of presidents has set up a $1.8 billion fund that will compensate supposed victims of government oppression. This unprecedented, nauseating, and likely unconstitutional decree isn’t just the most overtly corrupt act in presidential history. It is also a moronic and ill-formed idea that even its adherents can’t explain.
Because it’s unclear who gets the money, I figured why not apply and see what happens? I deserve a few million just as much as a hillbilly insurrectionist does. So here is my application to the fund:
Dear Acting Attorney General Blanche (or Your Utmost Excellency, whichever you prefer):
Recently, you set up a $1.776 billion compensation fund for victims of lawfare and weaponization perpetrated by “political and career federal employees, contractors and agents” who targeted “individuals, groups, and entities for improper and unlawful political, personal, and/or ideological reasons (“Lawfare” and “Weaponization”).
I say it’s about time! No longer will Americans be intimidated by an out-of-control government that clamps down on their freedom of speech. Unless you’re swarthy, of course, because then ICE has the legal right to taser you just for kicks. Or if you’re a comedian who makes jokes about our chief executive, because no one has to right to criticize (all genuflect) President Trump (all rise) ever ever ever. Seriously, don’t even joke about making jokes.
In any case, I seek an award of $8.647 million from the Weaponization Fund. As with your fund amount of $1.776 billion, the amount I am seeking is based purely on punitive damages, backpay, arbitrary symbolism, and vibes.
You may ask about the grounds for my claim. Well, it’s true I don’t have anything as ironclad as storming the capitol, or lying under oath, or committing multiple felonies for the purposes of overthrowing democracy. I mean, the people who did that have it made. Am I right? If only the rest of us had known that it would be so profitable to bludgeon a cop. Alas, it’s all 20/20 hindsight.
No, my claim is based on the many angry emails and vague threats I receive from MAGA types, a few of whom imply that they work for the administration. Again, it’s nothing solid, but let’s be honest, the flunkies you’re going to pick for the commission that approves the payouts are going to be Mr. and Ms. Rubberstamp, so the details don’t matter.
The point is that I have been oppressed for political and ideological reasons. Like, really badly. So send me a big old bagfull of taxpayer-funded money as soon as possible. Let freedom ring, God bless America, ease on down the road, so on and so on.
Thank you for your attention to this matter,
The Hispanic Fanatic
